– What if… if one day you find your conscious life so far has been but in vain.
– What??
– What if you, in your everyday living with all of its fighting, and thinking, and daring, and caring, and weeping, and acting, and lacking act, what if amongst this vortex one day you wake up – open eyes wide and see everything without the boundaries you yourself have set – and see everything was in vain. Everything… that you did. All you strived for, and cared for, and believed in, and so on, all you thought your world and surroundings is, eventually turns out to be fake.
– What do you mean, more precisely?
– I mean, is it possible that tomorrow I find out that my world was nothing but an illusion. That my lover needs my presence but does not care about me much, my friends are nothing but shadows of friendship and some sort of unengaging comradeship, my family is just a group that loves me and cares infinitely much for me, but sees me only as a child and nothing more; what if I wake up and I find my ideals are real, but too high for my irresponsible, unsteady and lazy personality, for my illetarate intelligence and comparetively poor spiritual self; isn’t it possible? What do you think will happen then? With me, I speak.
I will fall. If all my world is but a fake, an illusion, and in a moment I unexpectedly realise, I will blackout. Blackout…
For – what is worth my being alive if my lover does not care for me, my friends too, my family does, but sees me only as a regular person, and I myself cannot justify my self-confidence in my abilities and self, as they come to be quite … lacking interest.
Would it be my fault? Would it be my fault that I never ask for help and always give unwanting reward?
But, wait, that is what is right. That is what I believe in and what I FEEL is right. My life, it seems, has been guided by that principle and even if it has led to sort of eventual loneliness, would it be a failure?
For… actually – what do I want from people around me?
…
No, my love. This is my way. Even if I end being disappointed and lonely (which, in fact, I somewhy doubt), it will be my choice. And it would be true and it would be different. I would have realised myself and stayed correct to myself. I would have done it. Comparetively consciously. It would be not only my world, but a true reflection of my self and choices.
My fate born of my faith. Me. Me. Me…
Me.
Brave and true.
29.X.2010
Скромни опити 
Funny indeed! 😀
If you want to get depressed you can always do this. the fact is that these two realities co-exist:
1) nobody cares for you, you are on your own and you signify absolutely nothing in this world. your friends and your family may want to be in touch with you and love you but in the end it turns out everybody is a prisoner of their own self, we never understand and reach each other
2) everything is normal and you are happy
It’s only a matter of faith. Which one do you believe in. And for the sake of sanity, we keep choosing 2)
I suppose Virginia Woolf chose 1) and topped herself. I do not recommend this course of action. 😉
I, personally, do care for you. But this is only in my reality 2).
off-topic:
I just saw something extreme. It’s on VBS. An interview with a Japanese cannibal who looks and talks just like a normal person (may be even more sane than many people) and tells about the murder of a (female) colleage of his and how he ate her/parts of her. I got as far as the moment when he tells about starting to eat her and how he bid and his teeth couldn’t cut the flesh so he got a meat knife.
It really makes you think about the limits of reality, doesn’t it?
Sorry for writing such gross things, I’m just a bit shocked and I wanted to blab it out.
Това всъщност май ми харесва.
Елесаре, не се поставяй в ролята на морален коректив 😛
…
Нямаш ли уроци за учене, вместо да си обиждаш читателите на блога?
Аз не ги обиждам, даже те наричам с гъзарското име!!!